My Love

I just need to get this out. It’s going to show just how sickeningly love-struck I am. Take it in what sense thou wilt.

My Dustin. Ours is an odd love. Sometimes I feel as if he loves me more. Other times I feel as if I love him more. Perhaps that is not so odd – but we’re so committed to each other, and it’s online. Ay, online.

I don’t even know what my love looks like exactly, but I do know that his voice drives me nuts. I love it. The things he says – be it via computer or phone – just makes me want to drive up to Massachusetts and see him. Alas! I live in the dreaded Ohio!

*sigh* We had a fight today though. Well, maybe not a fight… but we missed each other, and there was a big miscommunication.  We worked it out though. He freaked out because he thought I was ignoring him, and I panicked because I thought he was pissed at me. We both felt silly in the end, and everything’s ok now.

He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I to him. A girl doesn’t want to be called “hot.” She wants to be called beautiful, which is what he calls me everyday (mind you, he already knows what I look like).

It’s refreshing. Quite so. What compliments! What tenderness! What love, ho! I grew up with my mother telling me that a Black girl is not a White guy’s idea of beauty. Ay, my Dustin proves her wrong on so many levels. We just happened to fall for each other in autumn. He doesn’t cheat. He can’t. We bind each other to the computer. He can’t date anyone while spending so much time on the computer, and I can’t cheat either. It’s my insurance and my sanity.

*sigh* At least his family knows about me. They know my voice. I’ve called, and they know I’m his girlfriend. His parents aren’t 100% ok with it, but at least they know. You see, if my parents found out, they’d probably throw this computer out the damn window and see to it that it shatters to a million pieces.

We’ve been together for about 4 and a half months. Almost five months! It’s not a long time, and he’s only my second boyfriend (my first one was online as well), but I’m glad we’ve made it this far. God… I melt when I hear his voice say my name. I tell my friends some of the things we say and do, (but not much because a lot of it is just between Dusty and me) and they say how stupid and absurd those things are. Ah, they don’t understand. None of you will ever understand.

Napoleon and Josephine

Well, for National History Day, I have chosen my own topic. I’m pretty sure I want to do research on Napoleon. Ah, I’ve found out some… er, rather interesting things. I almost feel sorry for him… almost. (I don’t particularly like him. I thought he was just racist, but my teacher thinks he’s more classist than racist. I think he’s both. I must admit though… he was an interesting fellow…)

So anyway, in my research, I happened to run across the relationship between him and Josephine. It was a rather odd one. I wonder if she ever really loved him. I mean, she cheated first. And then I read about poor Napoleon’s reaction when he found out that the woman of his dreams loved someone else. I almost wanted to go back in time and hug him… but then I remembered why I don’t like him. Then, it made me pretty mad that they ended up back in each other’s arms anyway. He forgave her after she cried and begged him to take her back… however now, he felt that he could do whatever he wanted with women. In fact, to take revenge, he took interest in the wife of one of his lieutenants. (It was a lieutenant, right?) So, they were on the ship. Napoleon sent the lieutenant home, but the wife stayed… Ugh, it disgusts me.

Later down the rode, would you believe he had the temerity to divorce Josephine just because she wouldn’t produce any sons for him? I suppose I can somewhat understand that he wanted a son that could take over for him when he would be gone. However, by this time, he was getting older, fatter, and he was losing his hair. (God, I hate to admit it, but he was rather cute when he was young…) So he married this young girl who wanted to throw up at the mere sight of him. After their marriage, he didn’t hesitate to rush her to bed, either. (Ew… still sends shivers down my spine… )

Then, when he heard of Josephine’s death, he was quite depressed. I suppose he still loved her very much, even though he claimed to be so much in love with his new wife. Josephine had always surrounded herself with the violets, so he… so he… I forgot what he did. He did something with violets, but I can’t remember what. In any case, I do remember that it was really sweet.

… I still don’t like him >_>

Jasmine Townsend 24 December 2007

Big Damn Deal!

I don’t understand… I really don’t

Well, my mom was talking about a book, I forgot what it’s called, and she said it looks good, but she doesn’t think she’s going to read it because it’s written by an Atheist. You know what? I should find that book and read it just to piss her off.

I asked her, “What’s so wrong with it being written by an Atheist?” And she gave me this evil look as she said, “Are you saying that you understand why people become Atheist?”

Actually, I do. And, to be honest, I don’t know what I believe in anymore. I still believe in Goddess, but it’s just hard to believe in Her sometimes, that’s all. I need something to believe in, but at the same time, I understand and respect the views of atheists. However, my mom is just close-minded to it. And, she says that if I become atheist, then she’s kicking me out of the house. Honestly, that’s cruel. Who cares what my religion is? I mean… I’m the same person. If I were Atheist, Satanist, Catholic, or Jewish, I would still be the same person.

What about her not reading that book? What does that say about her faith in her God (whom I call Goddess)? If she starts having atheistic thoughts after reading that book, I say she’s weak-minded.

8 Dec 2007 Jasmine Townsend

He smiled!

Well, there’s this guy who was in my karate class (today was the last day), and he’s kinda cute… but that’s it. I just glanced at him from time to time (since I have a boyfriend and all, I didn’t DO anything), and I noticed that he’s always so serious. Hm, the first time I saw him grin was when we were paired for doing one-steps, and I think I messed up on a kick. I laughed at myself, and he sort of grinned. After that, I noticed how he’d laugh sometimes doing one-steps with this other guy, and I thought, “huh…”

Today was rather interesting, because I had never made him laugh before. We were sparring. My friend Tina and I decided to pair up, but we all had to change partners eventually. So I was sparring with this guy, and as soon as we started fighting, it was an instant grin. Then, when I delivered an awesome kick (because kicks are my favorite), he laughed and said, “Oh, so it’s going to be like that, huh?” Ha, that spar was pretty fun. I tried to kick him once, and he blocked so hard that it hurt. So, I laughed at myself, and started laughing as he said, “Are you ok?!” And I said, “Yeah, I’m fine!” Then, we got back into fighting position and continued sparring until it was time to switch partners again.

Hm, I never thought to ask his name or anything, it’s not important, I suppose. Just know that my last karate class today was really fun.

-Jasmine Townsend 5 December 2007

P.S, I suppose now I have to continue making blogs…. or Feliza will kill me. ^^

Life? A gift?

Life is supposedly a gift.

Well, my life must have been forgotten until the last minute and wrapped in a hurry… and during the delivery of this “gift,” it was dropped and banged around a little. And by the time it actually reached me, all the benevolence of romance and acceptance disappeared from my teenage life…

What did I ever do that I deserve to be so punished by Goddess, and what is Her plan for me? Am I not ever meant to be truly happy?

These are the wonders that haunt me at night….

Jasmine Townsend 30 Nov 2007

Teen Suicide (a paragraph from my essay)

As for the stories of me and my friends, we all have different reasons for why we attempted and what stopped us. Starting with myself, I was an over achiever in junior high, and I always had the highest GPA in the entire school (during 7th and 8th grades), and although I was very proud of myself, I had no friends. I was shunned for liking different music, being smart, and speaking proper grammar. I was different, and everyone knows that in junior high school, you’re suppose to be like everyone else, apparently. I was always hurt, always depressed, and I ate lunch by myself. So one day, when I was 12 years old, I pressed a pillow to my face and kept pressing it, trying to soffocate myself. Of course, my body wouldn’t let me do it. I wasn’t strong enough. For one of my friends, let’s call him A, he too was driven to an attempt, but for a completely different reason. He has a serious hatred for his brother, and one day, his mom was yelling at him about his academics. What really hurt him was when she said, “You should be more like your brother. He is a good student.” So, A ran up to his room and pulled a knife from his book bag. Just as he was about to stab himself, his phone rang. His friend had called him. Another one of my friends, we’ll call him M, attempted once by taking a knife and aiming to stab himself in the belley. The only thing that stopped him was someone there to physically prevent him in the nick of time. T, the third example, tried once by taking a lot of pills, and he told me, “Yeah, don’t ever try to overdose on pills, because if it doesn’t work, you suffer big time. I just got really high and fell asleep… and then I woke up with a serious head ache.” My last example is my love, whom I’ll call D. Like me, he tried to suffocate himself once. Then there was a time that he tried to drown himself in his pool. What stopped him was that his mom yelled at him to get out because it was in autumn. He said to me, “If it weren’t for my friends, I would have killed myself a long time ago, but that was before I met you…. I’ll stay alive for you.” D is probably the main reason why I haven’t attempted again.

Jasmine Townsend

28 Nov 2007

Kindergothen Question

I read that the most goth thing to do is to deny the fact that you’re goth…. but when people ask me, I openly admit it. Is that so wrong? I mean, if someone chooses to be goth, why not be proud of it? Do you think it’s wrong that I admit to it? I mean, I don’t go around bragging. Like goth this and goth that. I only bring it up if someone asks or something like that… what do you think?

-Jasmine Townsend 26 Nov 2007